There have been many occasions in my life where I have been faced with a challenge. Whether the issue was a work related situation, or simply making it through another day, I knew that I was being tested and prepared for a double edged sword. Some days would be easy, while other days I would feel surrounded by isolation and imagined foes. I knew that feeling of fear growing within me was not something I was pleased to feel or talk about. Yet, I must be honest, as the legacy from this life I have come here to leave behind has lingered long after my physical death. Still the legacy of this life lives on as I continue to learn and grow, as does my gift.
In the center of those dark times when I felt alone and lost, I began to read the words by the French writer, Edgar Allen Poe. I would share these words with friends who were close to me at the time, a message to give comfort. Edgar Allen Poe, often ridiculed for his extremely stark or cynical writing, was a master of using analogies to communicate basic truths. Like this:
“The real is MORE than the dream.
The dark is less than the light.
The sound is less than the singing.
The shape is less than the form.
The travail of living is more than the labor of reading.
Eaten to the verge of death,
Ordinary isseven-eighths of life’sjourney.”
Simply put, he was saying that the details of this particular day were less important than the feeling of loss and loss, of being stuck in a space where I wanted to get out of.
As I read those words a little over a year ago, something within me began to shift. The feeling I had was one of low-level fear, almost Does-ness. The next day, as I read these exact words again, I felt the flutter of fear going, letting go of that day. The next day, the flutter began to feel like it was rising up, and I had within me what I can only describe as a fear encounter. I was afraid. I had no idea why, and I felt confused about what was happening. “Why this fear, Lord?”
In the midst of it all, I turned to God. I felt like He was being helpful, and then being protective. One of my strongest memories is of my daddy tossing me in the bathroom when I was little. I was sitting down on the floor on the robe separating us from the rest of the family, and he had turned and was facing me in the forehead. He had a concerned look on his face. While it frightened me at the time, I knew at the core of his expression was a sense of love and compassion. Maybe he was seeing my confusion and needed help to teach me.
I knew it was a religious experience to be fearful, yet as I turned to scripture, I began to understand that this fear was not for my own salvation, but was to help me grow spiritually. I began to understand that the fear I felt was to help me become aware and understand the pain and suffering I was going through. I didn’t understand the depth of the sadness, but I was grateful because I was willing to understand. And in my fear, I was able to find strength in faith and call upon the name of Jesus to help me get through and get through.
As I have studied the word of God, I have experienced so much more throughout my life. I have suffered through seven years of illness and have been faithfully following my Lord. When I return from my trips in the spirit, I always allow time to ponder back on the lessons and truths I learned during my time of “seeing”. As I study the word of God and learn the stories from the Bible, I can see the bigger picture of life. I gain so much from people when they do these kind of things for me. I remember telling my daughter, “I love you so much that the happiest moment of your life is right now, because it’s on the way!” I think that includes having a healthy baby, attending church with other believers, and helping others in the community. I am blessed everyday that I can help others in so many ways. I try to always look at things in the bigger picture and not at the little side.
Living your life one day at a time is hard. I don’t have any problems with that, I am happy that I am mortal. I don’t like to think about my death one day. But we do, not even Jesus Himself had to worry about it. “When the Son of Man comes, will He find faith on the earth?” (Luke 18:6) I don’t think He would worry too much if He knew I had faith right now. What do I do with that!