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Our Deepest Fear

I’ll never forget that day. I was 18 and living on my own in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. My double session of accelerator training had just started so I was home for 2 weeks to bask in the solitude and peace of being left alone with God. One day while sitting in the living room, something didn’t feel so quiet. I turned to the TV and heard a hyped up show about a biblical plague that was sweeps through the nation. It scared me and I laying in bed nearly frenzy.

I Archived the show. It was basically a awards program for Christians excellence in praise. It was EXPECTED! I felt compelled to excel in this area of life. I felt that I was suppose to praise God, not curse him.

woman in black long sleeve shirt holding white book

As I Archived it, I was reminded of the true meaning of the word pathetic. It’s true meaning is simple. A pathetic person is a person who is feeling very sad, helpless, and hopeless. It’s a person who is in a state of total helplessness and hopelessness. Hanging on every note of the scale.

It just so happened I was feeling that way. My sad, helpless, and hopeless feelings were “ok” because I was calculating my son’s inadequacies by the hour, every day, as I kept a watchful eye on him. I felt like God was zeroing in on me. I felt violet. I felt so bad. Because of all the inadequacies I displayed, I got in a lot of trouble at school, because I wouldn’t lie, “something bad is going to happen to me.” So, I got kicked out of school all because I would not lie. That was the beginning of more things that could have engulfed me but I was rescued by my friendloads of faith. I have to admit, I still cried and cried cried tears in the Fern Canyon hanging out by the banks of the lake where I could lay my head on the pine tree and think back. I thought to myself, how sad am I, that I am the way I am. I am a mess. But, at the same time, I knew of a higher power that had me gracefully floating back to my life. I had learned my lesson.

You see, God is big and sometimes he takes small people and they die. As I lay there on my bed hearing the story unfold, and not knowing that a double decker bus had been flipped by a teenager on the passenger door, I prayed. I prayed unceasingly. I figured it had to be something bad, it couldn’t be good. But, no, not possible. I was just comforted in the fact that it had to be a greater force than myself. I sensed it couldn’t be me. I couldn’t be doing this, I knew I couldn’t. And finally, I just laid there and continued to praise God. I can do this, I told my Lord. I can do this. Just show me what to do, I said. I kept touching the ground thinking I was honoring God. After a few minutes it hit me, I was feeling the ground when I stepped on the grass. I stepped on the grass expecting to feel something. Instead, it felt like a solid piece of concrete being stepped on. I looked down and there was nothing. So, I stepped off the grass and ran to the washroom hoping no one was watching me. I flip the light switch and stood there without blindfiring. I didn’t know if anyone was watching me, but I needed to blindfire.

After running the light switch a few times and not hitting the switch, I stopped because I felt peace. I looked around and saw that everyone around me was just walking around in circles. So, I suppose that I was being a bit of a coward to step on the switch and not give them an instant gratification that they were all right. But that was just a delusion of my nerves. I began to contemplate the possibility that there was no one around or that I was imagining that I was seeing something. So, I’m not sure what my next step was. I didn’t know what to do next. I noticed that there were a few other sets of lights in the area that I first noticed the light switch had been pulled. I thought to myself that it couldn’t be. Surely someone else saw it or changed its tune because it was so bizarre. But when I stopped and checked around I realized it couldn’t have been that reason for it to have happened at all. The fact that no one else saw it nor heard it was what made it so weird. I looked near the area to see if anyone else had noticed and saw nothing. I felt pretty guilty about it even though I had no idea what the light switch had been pulled for.

red and white concrete building near green trees during daytime
Our Deepest Fear
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