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Here I Am (Gulp!), Lord!

white buddha figurine with brown wooden beads necklace

Dear Brothers and Sisters in Christ,

I’m sitting here at my computer with a heavy heartbecause I made the conscious decision several months ago to no longer pursue the things that pull me away from Christ.

You see, I’ve been chasing the things of the world like a countered serpent, and one of those things is the “feel good” stuff. I’ve tasted that sweetness again and again, and every time I do I crave to© be happy, have what I want, be the best version of whatever and fill in the missing pieces of my life with stuff that will make me feel good as if those things were already there.

I am hungry for God. By all means, let’s worship Him and give Him praise, but let’s not get caught up in how we are going to get to Heaven. There is no way to know exactly how your good work withJesus will play out once you get to Heaven. The specifics of how your final salvation will be received is not known but I can guarantee you that the fullness of your salvation is perfectly orchestrated by God.

I realize that now is a critical time for me. I’m being called to examine all of the ministry lessons that I have learned during my time as a Sunday School teacher and I realize that I need to put those lessons to good use in my own life. You see, I have been wrestling with the question: am I pursuing God or am I running from Him. The answer is no. You see, the things that keep me from going straight to God (and keep me from loving Him) are the things in my life that I created, moaned about, complained about, let out curses and hexes at others, and kept on being a pain in the neck to my husband and children.

Before I get too deep into one of the topicacknowledges, let me say that I love my husband and children, but I have allowed a path that was not God-honoring to develop in my life. Therefore, my husband and children are some of the biggest catalysts for me turning from my former way of living.

In fact, if you listen to some of my stories about coming to the end of my life, all of the problems that I had with my husband and children will be what drives me to want to be with God. Over the past several years I have had several conversations with God on the subject and each time it was about learning how to forgive them.

In particular, my memories of growing up with my Dad are the basis for this message. In particular, the way that my Dad ‘used’ me, mistreated me, and let me down so many times, is the foundation for this lifetime’s theme.

Only very gradually would I begin to change the poor attitude that I had about my Dad, and I’m glad it took that long.

I feel so much better about the situation now and much different in how my outlook is motivated. I actually feel a little bit stupid for the way I used to view him, but I really love my Dad and I really wish him nothing but the best of luck.

He has a lot of issues and his issues are many, but he was never one to even look past my basic grownup children. Well, except when he was alive and doing his thing and I remember thinking, “yeah, hey, your dead now, huh?”

He uses me, you know, the very thing that keeps me alive, by the way. It’s a strange sort of sympathy.

Just today something came through me at work that I instantly knew he would be unhappy with. It was just a thought in my head, a “what if” thought, but it seemed useful thinking. I didn’t even share it with anyone. Just thought it over and took it in, didn’t act on it, but I know it’s there.

But I wanted to give myself a little boost of encouragement before I submit to it fully. I wanted to reach out and give this person – who’s name I don’t know – one damn chance to come back. I have the utmost respect for him.

Here’s the thing.

I don’t want to die without the chance to say, “Hey man, it’s me, Deke!”

It’s happened. It’s happening. I’m ready.

I don’t care what it takes to make it happen. I want it to happen.

And I’m not afraid to let Him.

So, I send my regards to my friend, and I think he appreciated it. He said he’s since talked with his dad, and dad is happy with him.

Well, that’s all well and good, but I still feel a bit empty.

It’s not God.

brown and white temple with flags
Spiritual Discernment