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A Hot Cup Of Coffee Or A Cold Cup Of Distilled Water

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Today, I really do not feel like working. I feel as though it is cold and I need to get away from it all. This makes me sad.

This makes me angry.

It does not matter how I feel, I can do nothing about it.

I have a great plan to spend the day working, if only I could find someone to do the job.

I cannot even get through the day like this.

It is just a fact that I do not know how to get around these feelings.

If I even get up and choose to do something I know that even after doing it, I will feel miserable doing it.

These thoughts make me angry.

Even when I get up, I still find myself unhappy.

These feelings of anger and misery do not go away no matter how much I may wish or pray or think that thinking will make me feel better.

You know, really, it is not my fault. I knew this was a problem. I have been making my own lifestyle for decades. I have also decided to make a choice to be angry about it. I am the one that put these feelings there.

I feel terrible and it is not happening to me alone. You have felt the same things. I feel your unhappiness.

You have every right to feel this way. I have every reason to feel the way I feel.

It is not my job to change your feelings. You are the one who has put these feelings there. You and your parents.

I have the right to feel what I feel whenever I want. You have the right to feel what you have.

I am certainly not doing you any favor by laying myself out to be hurt by this behavior of yours, by this explicit reminder that what I do for my needs may be in direct conflict with what you are feeling.

You laid the adition betwixt and between yourself and me. Directly on the line between us. Because you could not ever be with me without also noticing the parts that I do not seem to notice. Neither can you be with me without noticing the things about me that do not seem to notice. That is a primary difference between us, and you will see it when I lay myself before you to consider the subject.

Peace, love, joy, patience, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control are all fair game when I consider these terms in myself lke. Whenever I consider that I am in some way connected to you, that what I do for myself must be good and intentional and not just my natural un-relished ways to include myself in life. I am willing to set myself up in a environment w/ointention where I can at least have the same sense of connection with you that you are already doing in your own environment. It is not so much a matter of getting woken up as it is allowing myself t0 wake up.

Your world is entirely real to you. Just because it does not seem to connect the way my current thought feels good or true does not mean it is not real.

True, my present thoughts do not feel particularly compassionate or of the highest purpose. They do not rise to the level of what I would consider as true love, truth, compassion, peace, joy, patience, and kindness.

However, I was looking at the havoc that I would cause by not seeing how those very real qualities could be included in my life and thought life. If I can include these qualities in as small a manner as I can, then why would it make any sense to not do so in the larger scheme of things? embedded within those statements is the truth of how I view the world and what I offer it.

Because, now, I see how I really do things, I see why I am the way I am. I really do. Not just haphazardly. Endlessly. Without purpose, I am lost to its realities. Without intent, I could care less what happens to me, really. I do not offer any service to the business that is supposedly running my life.

I am thearpakasticallydoing it all.

So that is the nature of the situation.

Now, how do you think that this edge (with a abyss inside) makes me feel, now I am looking into this abyss of life, or more rationally, why am I not this way without even being aware of it? (I am still trying to figure this one out.)

Much of the drivenness that I think I have manifested is just the programmed way that inevitably comes out of the concept that I am this thing called life.

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A Hot Cup Of Coffee Or A Cold Cup Of Distilled Water
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